


Dear Trapper

by onekisstotakewithme



Series: Next Time Deuterocanon [7]
Category: MASH (TV)
Genre: A complete and utter lack of respect for Trapper feat. BJ Hunnicutt, Bisexual Hawkeye Pierce, Canon Compliant, Epistolary, Extramarital Affairs, Gen, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Post-War, Unsent letters, inspired by Next Time, queer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-11
Updated: 2018-11-11
Packaged: 2019-08-21 11:25:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16575542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onekisstotakewithme/pseuds/onekisstotakewithme
Summary: He’s forgiven you, and forgiven me, and neither one of us really deserves it.Some letters are better left unsent.





	Dear Trapper

**Author's Note:**

  * For [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Letters Never Sent](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14793392) by [flootzavut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut). 



> Thanks to Floot for the blessing to post this ♥ and for being her usual wonderful self

> Look, I’m not going to pretend I’ve got some moral high ground here or anything. I’m probably only writing this because I don’t, and pretending I do won’t help either of us. Besides, I have no right to do that, not after everything I’ve seen and done. Not after I did the same goddamn thing you did.
> 
> I left Hawkeye behind.
> 
> The way you did. The way I said I never would.
> 
> But I have to ask… did you _try_? I’ve never heard Hawk say a word against you, have heard nothing but praise from his mouth about all the wonderful times the two of you had, nothing but happy memories of legendary pranks and happy times in the midst of an inferno.
> 
> Did you even try to tell him you were leaving? Or did you just… go? Did you even know how close you were to him getting a proper goodbye? Ten fucking minutes. He was so angry with himself, and he rightfully should have hated me. There I was, right there, and he’d missed you by ten minutes, and there I was, swanning in to take your place. By rights he should have hated me, because I was replacing his best friend, replacing all this… history between the two of you. But he didn’t (and I’m always going to be grateful for his compassion from that first terrible day, and every day since).
> 
> You lived with him for a year. And I don’t know if you wrote and things got lost (it happened all the time; things tend to get lost in war zones), or if you didn’t write… for reasons I can only try to understand, but you didn’t get to see him after you left. You didn’t see how he’d turn around, with “Trap” on his lips, and a strange flash of hurt across his face when he saw it was me instead. You didn’t have to watch as he obsessively chased Radar every mail call, how his face fell when another week had gone by and you hadn’t written to him, and then didn’t have to watch as he gave up asking. You didn’t hear how he sometimes muttered your name in his sleep, those first few months. Eventually he stopped. And despite that, despite all of his hang ups on people leaving without goodbyes (which your hasty exit didn’t help with), he wouldn’t hear a word against you. He never would.
> 
> You probably knew him better than anyone… except me. And leaving him behind… so soon after your CO died… You left him without a note and yet the first thing he said to me about you and Henry was that I’d missed two of the best guys in the unit. He missed you by ten minutes and he was angry at himself, like it was his fault! I didn’t understand at the time, watching him, just how much the guy next to you can save your life in war. I was so miserable and scared that first day and so lost… do you remember your first day in Korea? I remember mine, and I wouldn’t have survived it without him.
> 
> And I don’t know if he ever tried to reach out to you. I think maybe he felt… not slighted exactly, but maybe he felt like you didn’t want him. Like whatever it was between you was something that wouldn’t last beyond the war. I know, because he had those same worries about his friendship with me. He still seems to think he’s not worthy of love, when he so clearly is.
> 
> But you… you must’ve had some idea of how much he loved you. Hawkeye wears his heart on his sleeve, especially when he’s in love. And he must have loved you so very much, with how much your leaving wrecked him. It _wrecked_ him, McIntyre. I didn’t see it right away, but looking back… he was in love with you.
> 
> I had no right to be angry, even watching him picking up the pieces, learning to love someone else. How could I be angry, when all any of us wanted was to get home to our families? You have kids, right? Kids you missed because you’d missed their milestones and bedtime stories, kids that you’d do anything to get home to, because every second you miss of their lives is one you’re never going to get back. Kids don’t take their first steps or their first words or their first dates a second time. Once that’s happened, you don’t get it back. And If anyone gets that, it’s me.
> 
> Maybe you just wanted to forget the war. Maybe you weren’t queer, not like he was. Maybe you were, but you had a line in the sand about cheating. Maybe you didn’t have a goddamn reason. So many maybes, and I’m the wrong person to demand answers, but I still get a lump in my throat when I think about it.
> 
> I’m no saint either, and I won’t pretend to be. I punched him out once, and trashed the still the two of you built together. I was so fucking jealous of someone who could inspire such love and devotion in Hawkeye Pierce, someone who could go home and leave the whole mess behind... And I swore that I’d never leave Hawk the way you did, and goddammit I tried to leave a note, tried so hard to distance myself from you, but instead I brought all of those feelings back, and left him behind in a mental ward, betrayed the one person who’d gotten me through the war alive. He was broken, and I walked away.
> 
> I guess you wouldn’t know about that, would you? That war fucking broke him.
> 
> I don’t hate you for leaving. Not when it meant getting out of that inferno, not when it meant leaving the nightmare behind. And I don’t know what it was between you and Hawkeye. You were best friends. I know that. But he loved you, and I don’t know what you did with that information. And I don’t want to bring it up with him, because in our house your name is almost taboo. If you knew he loved you (and you must have) …Did you use it against him? Did you use him as some kind of fucked-up sexual substitute? Because if you did, then I do hate you, with everything I have, because he deserves fucking better than being someone’s temporary replacement for the things they can’t have.
> 
> It isn’t like I’d ever send this letter, because in your world, I’m a non-entity. Just your replacement. Just another married man with a kid. Just the man who loves Hawkeye Pierce. And it isn’t like anyone really knows where you are. Sure, if I wanted to, I bet I could get your address from Radar. I don’t even know if Hawk has it. I don’t know if he would ever ask (and I’m not going to ask him about it). You spent one year in Korea. I was there for two. Hawkeye lived through a whole war, and has spent the time since it ended trying to piece himself back together.
> 
> He’s forgiven you, and forgiven me, and neither one of us really deserves it.
> 
> I almost pity you for losing touch, because… God, do you know how lucky you would have been to keep him? He’s an absolute mess, but he loves with everything he has in him, and anyone would be lucky to have him. My wife and I are lucky to have him. It doesn’t change how things ended between the two of you. It doesn’t change how angry I feel sometimes about how your friendship ended. And maybe I’m biased, maybe my wife was a little more understanding, maybe I was just a bit more queer, but Hawkeye was worth every risk I took. He’d never believe it, but it’s true.
> 
> BJ Hunnicutt.
> 
>  


End file.
